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Trigger-Happy Hunters Bloodbath | Barbaric Tales From The Serengeti

Trigger-Happy Hunters Bloodbath | Barbaric Tales From The Serengeti


BIRD CHIRPS # Do, do, do-de-do… # All right? My name’s Bob. Pleased to meet ya. It’s a lovely day today,
so I’m going for a nice walk. HE SNIFFS Cor, something smells nice. It’s over here by these rocks
and grass. It’s a bleedin’ doughnut! Cor, luvvie! ‘Ere, hang about. There’s something fishy about this. You don’t just get
free bakery products on the fucking Serengeti, do ya? CLANG Aw, fuck! I’ve been snared. Fucking hell! Cor blimey! I’ve been a right dozy cunt,
ain’t I? Away we go, Tammy-Lou! Whoo! All right! USA! Oh, shit. Well, look-a here! What did we get, baby? We got ourselves a warthog,
honey pie. Ugly little son-of-a-bitch too. Fuck you! Come on over here
with your rifle, sugar dumpling. He’s perfect for your first kill,
Tammy-Lou. Hey?! Gee, this is so exciting. Fuck me! You’re not even going to
give me a chance to get away? You bunch of wankers! I say, Denis. Do you see what I see?
Unattended vehicular transport. Yes, indeed, Clive. A most enticing prospect. Come. Salty snacks and sugary sweets
surely lie within. OK, baby, nice and easy. Just squeeze that trigger. Whee! I’m hunting! Huzzah, Clive!
This is fine provender indeed. Look at this delicious selection
of freshly cut sandwiches. Care for a smoky bacon crisp,
old boy? What the…?! Hey. Hey! Quick, we have been
rumbled, old chum. Get the fuck away from my jeep,
you little douche bag. Oh, Jesus, just get it over with,
will you, you dopey cunt? Come, Clive, we must away
with great alacrity. Oh, dear. Denis, I appear to have an appendage caught in the mechanism
of this hunting rifle. Goddamn little bastards. Save yourself, Denis.
Make haste and flee away! Courage, mon brave! MAN CHUCKLES
I got you… GUNSHOT
Oops! SPLAT! What? Chester, everything OK? Oh, gosh. I am most terribly sorry. Sorry! Clive, you silly ass! You’ve killed a human! Purely unintentional,
I assure you, dear chum. Oh, what a grizzly scene. Chester? Honey? What are you doing lying down, baby? Run like the wind, esteemed pal. Oh, God. Oh, my God! Oh… SNARLS
Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh, God. I’m going to shoot.
I’ve got a gun. SHE SCREAMS Whoa! This is a turn-up
for the books, innit? Oh, God, I’m filthy. My hair’s… MUFFLED: Surprise! Get off, Oliver. This is my kill. MUFFLED SPEECH SNIFFS CHUCKLES Shit. The boss is ‘ere.
Someone’s for it. SPLASHING Oh, my God. What are you doing? Yeah, Jenny. What you doing, Jen? Oliver, you sneaky little fucker. # Jenny’s in trouble. # You’re killing a tourist. Maybe it’s not dead.
Maybe it’s having a rest. Even if it’s having a fucking rest,
Oliver, you daft cunt, there’s another one up top with its
brains spread all over the plains, very definitely fucking dead.
Oh, well, so what? Those hunters are a bunch of
meanies, always trying to shoot us
and stuff us. Look, I don’t like them
any more than you do, but the game reserve relies on them. If word gets out that tourists are
being killed here, they’ll stop coming,
the reserve will close, the poachers will move in,
and they won’t fuck about. They’ll kill us all and sell
our genitals to the Chinese in no time flat. Maybe we could make it look like a murder-suicide thingy
or something. Shut up, Oliver. You shut up,
Jenny Leopard. You shut up. It’s a dumb idea,
but it’s the only one we’ve got. If we could drag this one
back up to the jeep, maybe we could position them.
I don’t know. It’s worth a shot. Yay! That was my idea. Hooray. HE STRAINS A little help here, somebody? Hallo? ‘Ere, Denis and Clive, I see you there behind that rock. Get over here and untie me. Harken, Clive, our sturdy warthog
friend implores our aid. But could it be a fiendish trap,
Denis? I share your fears and suspicions,
good friend, yet we must act! Be of good cheer, sir! Help is on its way. About bleeding time. Wait a minute.
Where’s its head? Oliver? What? I don’t know. I’ve got an idea. Could you stand up out of the water,
please, Oliver? What? Like this? That’s fine. Right, there’s the head. Let’s go. THEY STRAIN Oh, I’ve got a stitch. Excuse me, your ladyship, and that. I was just wondering
what’s occurring here. None of your business, Bob.
Of course, your ladyship. I was only thinking I could be
of service to you. And how could you possibly help us? I’m guessing you’re trying to make
this cluster fuck of a situation look like a tragically escalated
domestic row, or something. Yeah? Well, as it happens, your ladyship, I’ve got quite a bit of previous in dealing with
this sort of clandestine activity. I possess a particular set
of skills. All right. Thank you. But remember your place
in the food chain, please. You won’t regret this,
your ladyship. Now, let’s get these humans scooped
up and sat in that jeep, yeah? Don’t forget its brains. HE RETCHES What do you think of it so far? Rubbish. Hmm. You know, Bob, the edge of the
reserve is only five miles that way. It’s a nice idea, get the whole
friggin’ mess out the park, but fuck me, we’re not going to push
this jeep for five miles, are we? No. But just how dextrous
are your baboon colleagues? You mean you’re thinking about
having them drive this motor? Pardon?! Whoo-hoo! Road trip! Now, Clive, I shall manipulate
the steering circle. You shall manipulate
the foot pedals. But, Denis, why do I have to? Because you shot the fucking human,
Clive! Fair enough. Now to spark this mechanical marvel
into life. Depress the clutch, Clive. What’s a clutch? No idea! Engage forward thrust! TYRES SQUEAL What are you doing, Denis? The human’s head fell off. Shush, everyone, for heaven’s sake! TYRES SQUEAL Honestly! I just had her
looking decent, but now look. Get in, Oliver! Budge up. Ah, this is the life, eh? Dig in, ladies. Don’t be shy now. You too, Bob. Cor, thanks.
I’m starving. I say, fellows, save some
for the drivers, won’t you? Brains, anyone? ‘Ere, that’s not
packed lunch. Put it back. As loathed as I am to interrupt your
dining pleasure, dear passengers, I fear there may be trouble ahead. HORN BEEPS Shit! More bloody hunters. They appear to be hailing us. Shall I put the proverbial paw
to the floor and speed past them? No, that’s not
going to work. Stop the motor. TYRES SQUEAL Right, Oliver, get this human’s
brains back in then stuff his hat on
and keep it all together. And I need ladies to play dead
for a bit. All right? Denis, you’re going to drive up
a bit nearer, then park it and hide down next to Clive.
Right-oh. Bloody hell. I hope this works. Oh, that’s reassuring. Hi, guys, how’s it going? You OK, buddy? BOB SPEAKS NONSENSE Huh! Swell. Hey, check out what we shot. That wildebeest took a while to die,
man. It was trying to get back
to its mum. Would have made it too,
if Lowell hadn’t stuck two rounds of 50 calibre up its ass
Damn right. Hoo-hoo-hoo! Fucking cunts. I mean… HE SPEAKS NONSENSE How did you guys do?
Jeez, Tammy-Lou, you OK? You got blood on you. BOB TALKS NONSENSE You don’t look so…
Holy fucking shit! You shot a croc, a lioness
and a goddamn leopard? Check this out, Lowell. Huh?
Way to go, guys. Got lucky, is all. He’s just jealous. Oh. Oh, Jesus! What the fuck, man?! What’s up, JT? Oh, God, Chester!
Hey, Chester, your wife… Jesus, there’s a live animal
in there. Oh, sweet baby Jesus on a cross, I am de-holsterising my sidearm. Step away from the vehicle. Lowell? What is it?
I think it’s a bear. Ain’t no bears in Africa, JT. OK. I’m going in. You got my six, Lowell? Bloody ‘ell, what a fucking wimp! Drive, Denis and Clive, drive! Whatever that little fucker
is in there, we’re going to have some fun
with him, that’s for damn sure. CRASH Lowell? You gotta be shitting me. Gosh, I’m terribly sorry. I think we have to exchange
insurance details, don’t we? Stay back, goddamn it. I’m going to have all three of you
stuffed and mounted and hung up real pretty on my…
‘Ere, mush. Did no-one ever tell you
to look out for the little bloke? HE SCREAMS This is the most fun I’ve had
on a Wednesday for ages. What an unmitigated
fucking bloodbath. ‘Ere, you know what
this looks like? It looks like a common or garden
road traffic accident, especially if we were to soak it all
in petrol and light a match. Good thinking, Bob. Not before we confiscate
the beer-cooler, though, eh? Oh, really. Who on earth is going to
believe that two vehicles accidentally collided head on in the trackless empty wastes
of the Serengeti? It’s completely implausible.
I mean… Shut up, Denis. ALL: Cheers! # Just another day
on the fucking Serengeti… #

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