Alright, so when I was a kid My parents had a friend, named Bob And Bob was going on a trip to Florida And wanted my parents to watch his cat Tinkerbell Now, I hated his cat Tinkerbell For one thing, she was a mean-ass cat She would scratch the shit out of me
for no goddamn reason And secondly, she wasn’t fixed,
which meant she was always in heat And if you’ve never dealt with a cat that’s in heat
before, then you don’t know what hell on earth that is Just imagine a cat laying on the floor
meowing every two goddamn seconds of your life Not really meowing, more like..
More like yelling.. MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW It’s like the human equivalent of a guy
laying in his basement in his underwear, just yelling: “Who wants to fuck me? Anybody?
I’m down here, I’m ready!” We’d be outside, playing wiffle ball and shit You can hear this goddamn cat
from outside the house MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW “Ah, God damn it!
Would somebody just fuck that cat and get it over with?” “Michael, get your ass in there
and take one for the team!” And since she was in heat, Tinkerbell
would always try to get out of the house She was on a quest for some booty She’d always end up in my neighbour’s yard the next day Like every other morning the neighbour lady
would have to bring her back over “Hi, I found your horny-ass cat in my yard again” Now, originally, we’re only supposed
to watch Tinkerbell for a couple of weeks But a couple of weeks
turned into a couple of months “God damn it, Bob!
When are you gonna pick up this cat?” “Cat? What cat? Oh, my cat, that’s right!
How’s little Tinkertots these days?” “It’s Tinkerbell, Bob! And I’m about to throw
this goddamn cat in a river if you don’t pick her up soon!” “Listen to this shit, Bob!”
[MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW MEEEEOOWWWW] “She sounds like a goddamn broken swingset!” So we’d put up with this cat
for about six months or so Until one particular morning I’m out front
playing wiffle ball, and the neighbour lady comes up to me “Hey, your cat got outside again” “Ah, God damn it, Tinkerbell!
Alright, where’s she? I’ll go get her” “Well, somebody ran her over
with a car. She’s dead” “Holy Hell! Are you serious?!” “Yeah, it happened right over there” “Do you see the blood?
Looks like a few cars ran her over too” “She didn’t look much like a cat anymore,
more like a puddle” “God damn it, that’s not even our cat!” “I’d say she’s God’s cat now” “No, I’d say the Devil’s cat,
only dogs go to heaven!” “Shut the hell up, Michael” “Well, what the hell did you do with her body?” “Ah, well, I scraped her off the road
and I put her in the garbage” “YOU DID WHAT?!” First of all, what kind of psychopath
throws somebody’s pet cat in the garbage Like you could’ve let us say goodbye,
before you scraped her off with a shovel Meanwhile, the garbage truck is literally
out front of our house, dumping her garbage cans “Ah, sick, what the hell is that?” “Well, it looks like somebody’s family pet” “Who would throw a family pet in the garbage?” “A real piece of shit, that’s who!” So I’d go inside to tell my dad that we’re
officially the world’s shittiest cat sitters “Dad? Tinkerbell got hit by car and died” “Good, I hate that goddamn cat.
Wait a minute, are you serious?” “Yeah, but neighbour put her in the garbage” “The garbage? That’s not even our cat!” “Yeah, it’s the Devil’s cat apparently” So now we don’t know what to do. Should we
just continue on like normal and just lie to Bob? “Oh yeah, Tinkerbell? Yeah, she’s fine,
just fine, she’s…” “She’s a little flatter than she used to be” So another six months go by And we never tell Bob about Tinkerbell I don’t know what my dad’s plan was Are we just gonna fuckin’ paper mache
a fake cat together? Try to pass it off as real Tinkerbell? “There you go, Bob! Have fun with your cat!” Nobody knew.
Until one day my dad got off the phone “Well, we don’t have to worry
about Tinkerbell anymore” “Oh, that’s good,
did you finally tell Bob what happened?” “No, Bob’s dead, he had a massive
heart attack, he’s dead now!” “Holy Hell!” “Yeah, so looks like we’re off the hook.
Oh, well..” *goes away whistling* And that’s how this cartoon ends So the moral of the story is: Pick up your goddamn cat when you’re supposed to! Bad things happen when you don’t Bob never found out about Tinkerbell That is unless Bob was a shitty person
and went to Hell when he died In that case he probably found out “Welcome to Hell, here’s your punishment!” MEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW MEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW MEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW MEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW MEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW MEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW “Ah, God damn it!” https://brewstew.com Special thanks to: Cameron Jacobs, Vinnie Pretet,
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